My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Finally, an explanation.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.