Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”