Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
good morning
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Day 2 of my diet
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.