My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
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Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
So Hamburger help me, God
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.