My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
As per my last nervous breakdown
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Wednesday
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.