My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.