My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies