My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Breaking news:
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?