My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]