Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

3% human
97% stress

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Beware of the dog..

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”