My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
he’s doing your taxes