Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

twitter users today:

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.