Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant