Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Inside you there are two wolves

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.