Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”