Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?