my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.