My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Shortcut
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.