Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

me to God