My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.