Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.