You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
😲 WTF? 😆
What fresh Hell is this?!?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs