My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Some people were born into their job.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
This joke is 7 years old
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.