My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Meeeee too!
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”