My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
When you put it that way… 😂
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’m an asshole.
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Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably