Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”