Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?