My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
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80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Mouse
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The Assassin.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.