My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
You Might Also Like
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I feel attacked.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!