My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.