Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.