My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea