My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You Might Also Like
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
we all know this pain all too well
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Be the reason someone burns sage.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!