My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You Might Also Like
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
This is a sub tweet
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.