My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
This 4th of July, please remember…
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
All right then, keep your secrets
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.