My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
My work here is don’t.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.