My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
dark side of the loom
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?