My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)