My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
You Might Also Like
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy