Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven