Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

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i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.