My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
How wrong was this guy?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.