My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.