Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

I’m not stressed

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Me checking my bank balance online.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.