My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years