Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

are there any atheist mantises?

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing