My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes