My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.