Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

LMFAOOOO

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

starting a garage orchestra

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.