My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
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For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.