Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

Simple