My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Meow?
New Tinder profile.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.