Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix and awkward silence?

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…