Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

had to make it

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Gods work.

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

@ candidates for local office

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send