Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

Expect the unexporcupine.

I only treason on days ending in y

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now