my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.