My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
January has been Januweary
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Human are so complicated
When he asks for feet pics
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!