My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
That 👊
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working