My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
The pasta is now
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.