My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
You Might Also Like
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Saturday
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless