My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
This is a bad sign
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached