My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.