Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?