my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.