My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My dog ate my work from home.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old