My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
You Might Also Like
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
5 ways to appear taller
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.