got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*