My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD