Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

absolutely not

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Stop making fast and furious movies.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

#winning

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.