Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats